Writing so bad it could make baby Jesus cry

I love these contests that encourage people to be the worst at something. Here's one from San Jose State University that gives a cash prize to whoever writes the vilest opening sentence to an imaginary novel. It's called the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, after the author of the 1830 novel that actually begins "It was a dark and stormy night..."

Here are some notable 2008 entries as listed in a brief in the Herald-Leader, starting with the winner:

Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."
—Garrison Spik

"Toads of glory, slugs of joy," sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words.
—Alex Hall

Like a mechanic who forgets to wipe his hands on a shop rag and then goes home, hugs his wife, and gets a grease stain on her favorite sweater - love touches you, and marks you forever.
—Beth Fand Incollingo

In case you're a literary masochist (and not the kind who reads Finnegans Wake for fun), here's the full results page.